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Old 06-15-2008, 11:25 AM
Robert Robert is offline
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Default A little humor

In these trying times, laughter can reinvigorate the soul. Even with all our problems, life is indeed a great gift. Live, love and laugh today, as tomorrow may never come....Cheers, Robert

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspectingly. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman, but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. It was awful. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my God!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course got me to snickering and set me off again, causing residual gases to escape. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Returning home, I realized I had nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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  #2  
Old 06-16-2008, 03:54 PM
Alan Baggett Alan Baggett is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

LOL.

If you can get the recipe for that gas and patent it you'd have a surefire money maker.
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:30 PM
Jerrydill Jerrydill is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

That's hillarious! I need the recipe for that chili. I think we have all definitely had moments like that.
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Old 09-03-2008, 08:21 PM
ImDebtFree ImDebtFree is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

Ahahahaha - That was so funny you had me crying... I'm calling my best friend to tell her the story. HI-LARIOUS!
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Old 12-05-2010, 11:15 AM
translucent translucent is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

laughter = medicine
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  #6  
Old 12-09-2010, 07:21 AM
jacobbon jacobbon is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

Hahaha ...A good laugh is the best cures in the doctor's book. Thanks. Keep it up..
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:46 PM
ploans ploans is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

1000 words!!!...is it a little humor???
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Old 12-23-2010, 05:21 AM
Cathy Duncan Cathy Duncan is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

lolx ... if little humors are of just 1k words, then think of the big jokes, for how long would they be. )
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:07 PM
samwilson samwilson is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

Lol, if you've got to go, I don't think you won't have time to stop and look at people's faces when they get a whiff of your nether perfume.
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:30 PM
khosta khosta is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

OMG!!!! That is horrific!!! And yet soooo out of control!! I can't believe you were brave enough to even leave your house. I would have died if I were that poor lady.... I surpirsed you even made it to the bathroom! Maybe you should think about laying off the chili or staying at home when you do eat that intoxicating stuff.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:49 AM
NolaP NolaP is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

Wow. That is quite a story. Chili and two cups of coffee are a definite recipe for disaster!!!
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:45 PM
sweetnothing sweetnothing is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

haha nothing like a good gas joke to start the morning...
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Old 03-30-2011, 02:56 AM
sandara sandara is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

Swweeet.. Thanks for the laugh!
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Old 05-04-2011, 03:09 AM
Ronnie2 Ronnie2 is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

Good one...!!
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Old 05-04-2011, 04:04 PM
MegaMagma39 MegaMagma39 is offline
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Default Re: A little humor

OMG that is too funny....laughed so hard I cried!! ROFLMAO!!
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